while, and after it happened.
I felt extreme guilt about going out and having fun. Did I think that this shit would never have happened if I had stayed home and studied for the HSC? Do I think that never going out again will “make up for it”? And who exactly am I making it up to? My conscience? My car? My family?
Perhaps if I never drive unless absolutely necessary? Will I never be in an accident? Will I never crash the car? Will I never pop another tyre?
And if I am completely honest with my parents from now on? Will we never fight again? Will we never clash over ridiculously inconsequential occurrences?
If, if, if, if, if, if, if. If is a dangerous word, it invites horrifying thoughts about “could have”s and “wouldn’t have”s.