First off, what exactly is the Kizuna project all about? The Kizuna project was not, as some people have said to me, a free sightseeing holiday to Japan. In a nutshell, the major aim of the program were to learn and experience first hand the difficulties that Japan faced in the wake of the earthquake and tsunami on March 11, 2011. Another aim was cultural exchange, between the people we encountered in Japan and the Australian/New Zealand participants, but I would say also between the Australians and New Zealanders themselves!

Before we flew to Japan, all Australian participants congregated in Sydney for a little meet and greet. Interestingly, a lot of the people from out of state had never been to Sydney before, so all of the Sydney-siders took the others on a walking tour around the city, to Circular Quay and then to Darling Harbour. Yes, it was a pretty exhausting walk, but I think I personally needed that exhaustion so I’d sleep on the plane!

The next morning we flew from Sydney to Narita, and after an uneventful flight, we arrived in Tokyo. We stayed in a small hotel near Kachidoki, not in the Tokyo city itself, but around a 30 minute subway ride there. Most of the first night was spent being very cold and wandering around all the 24 hour convenience stores in the area (there were two 7/11 stores within 300m of each other… Somewhat overkill…) and trying to investigate how they differed from each other (They didn’t!) The real project would start the next day.

The next day, December 10th, we had our group orientation, where we found out who exactly was in our group and met our group co-ordinators/translators Sohma-san and Hayashi-san. At the orientation, we were also greeted by members from the Japan International Cooperation Center (JICE) who had organised the whole program.

After orientation and lunch, we made our way to the Ikebukuro Life Safety Learning Centre (I’m sorry, that link only contains Japanese information) where we watched a short video on the March 11 earthquake and tsunami disaster, participated in a fire and smoke safety drill and also an earthquake simulation.

The video was incredibly emotional, and unfortunately there was no copy that I could procure, but I must say before this trip I hadn’t seen any footage of the earthquake. It just wasn’t something I wanted to make myself watch. So I cried upon finally watching footage of a such a real and devastating disaster occurring, and real people and their houses being swept away.

During the earthquake simulation, I experienced and earthquake of seismic intensity 5-lower (on the Japanese scale, this is an earthquake where unstable items would fall, people would find it difficult to move, and hanging objects would sway violently, please see this wikipedia article on the Japanese scale of seismic intensity for a summary of the different levels). Take a look at my friend Rachel’s video below to see what the simulation was like for an earthquake of seismic intensity 7.

Despite the laughter going on in the background at the poor boys being jolted around, what I think the video doesn’t show is exactly how scary it feels. Living in Australia, a country that sits in the middle of a tectonic plate, means that I have never experienced an earthquake in my entire life. The 1989 Newcastle Earthquake happened before I was born, and the earthquakes in Melbourne hasn’t affected Sydney. So having never experienced an earthquake before, even though I knew it was a simulation, I was scared out of my mind.

The day was quite draining, emotionally and physically. I remember sleeping a lot on the bus back to hotel, and after wandering around the area after dinner for a while, I think I fell asleep quite quickly. For the next week, I was going to get little sleep, but it was all so worth it.

(Next part coming soon!)

This afternoon, I realised I still hadn’t gotten any yen for my trip to Japan (Flying out on Sunday!), hadn’t packed, had to go to someone’s 21st, and was stressed over some other issues. As a result, I had a short panic attack at the train station. It’s funny how such small(?) provocation can make your heart pound and stop you from breathing properly.

I often always feel like I’m not allowed to feel upset or worried because I’m so very lucky, and comparatively my troubles are very small. Both of those facts are true, but my worries are important to me, and that’s why I can let them upset me.

Let me tell you a secret, I’ve been guilty of telling people that they shouldn’t be upset over things, and making them feel like they’re not allowed to get stressed or upset. I’m actually very ashamed of this because it’s not true at all, and for this reason I also feel like I can’t tell other people why I’m anxious or upset.

I guess I’m writing this to remind myself that it’s actually okay to feel like crap, and that it’s also okay to talk to other people about it. I should also try a lot harder to be someone who listens to other people when they’re unhappy, instead of telling them that they shouldn’t feel that way. I’m not the master of anyone’s feelings but my own.

P.S. I hope you all like my self portrait, I’m an amazing artist, I know

Of course, I’m going to Japan as part of the Kizuna Project, in a little less than a week! So I’ve been considering what to take and how to take it – I don’t want to have to deal with checked luggage for a trip that’s only a week long. But the carry-on suitcase that I have is a little on the small side… So I have to figure out what’s essential and what’s not. I’ll be volunteering and walking around and using a lot of public transport, so the key is definitely comfort.

Then again, I can’t help but feel that when I go travelling, I’m not quite myself. I’m definitely not a joggers kind of person, I prefer skirts to pants and of course, living in Australia means I don’t really have that many thick jumpers. We just don’t need them in winter, I can get by with a cardigan and a long sleeved shirt during most of winter! So when I go travelling, and I am constantly in jeans and joggers, I really don’t feel like me!

But anyway, I’m going to give my packing a go, and see if I can pack a weeks worth of winter clothing in a small suitcase and a backpack!

“Did what I think happen just happen?” I asked my friend.

“I didn’t want to say anything, because I once said something and it turned out it was girl. But that person… Is standing up. Their feet are pointing towards the toilet…” she replied.

There was nothing to do but laugh.

“I paid with a fifty,” a customer interrupted me. “Don’t you dare try and cheat me out of my money!”

“…Ma’am, you gave me a twenty dollar note…”

“I had a hundred in my wallet and now there’s only fifty, so I gave you a fifty! This is ridiculous, I want to speak to your manager. I can’t believe how many Chinese people have lied and stolen my money recently. I will go and speak to your manager!” she said angrily.

Now, that’s an exchange I don’t have often at work. I was so flustered I couldn’t even reply, so I just gave her the extra money and sent her off in the direction of the manager. Looking back though, I can’t believe this woman pulled the race card on me, and so easily as well. To be honest, part of me is just so used to people saying stupid racist shit that I can’t even react anymore. What kind of society is this, where I can’t defend myself against horrible accusations because it feels like it’s normal, and that it’s not worth fighting for because I don’t think I could possibly win?

Later on, when I counted my till, I was thirty dollars down. Yet I take no solace in the fact that I was right because I’m incredibly disappointed in myself.

Of course, I don’t need language at all to know how much she loves me, or to tell her that I love her too. But I’ll never really know her motivations, I’ll never get to understand her story, and if I am honest, we don’t know much about each other at all. That is what I will regret.

But it’s better for me to remember and smile at all the times she made egg dishes and potato dishes because she knew I loved them. I won’t forget her funny laugh and soft, leathery hands.

It’s not here yet, but there are preparations to be made. The wait is the worst.

I wonder how many of you still have this site on your feed reader, or even how many of you remember me. I feel like I got to experience some sort of golden age of personal blogging back in the early 2000′s, these days all the blogs that I used to visit have long since closed down or are updated quite infrequently. I know that sometimes life gets in the way, or it no longer seems an interesting thing to do anymore, so I’m very happy to have been able to be a part of it when it was active and constantly changing.

If I try and find a particular reason for not “seriously” blogging (make no mistake, I’ve been on tumblr for the past two and a half years, so I haven’t been out of it completely) then I would say it was the pressure of writing for an audience and trying to receive as many comments and reactions as possible. I’m not writing for that anymore. This time, I think I’m just trying to record moments properly, and give others a glimpse into my life. Everyone’s story is different, and the more stories there are, the better – So I’m putting mine out there.

I’m starting another adventure very soon, December 9th actually. I’ll be participating in the Kizuna Project, visiting Fukushima prefecture in Japan (the most affected area from the earthquake and tsunami in 2011) and also Shizuoka prefecture. I hope to be able to record my experiences in the program here, and provide insights into the reconstruction and other efforts undertaken by the Japanese in response to that terrible disaster.

I’ll also be starting my fourth year at UNSW – The university that I love dearly. It’ll be my penultimate year and as such, I’ll also try and write up my experiences chasing internships, staying involved in student life and of course, juggling my studies.

They’re my plans for 2013, but we all know that plans don’t always work out. I’ll see how it goes, and I hope you’ll all stick around to see as well!