(I don’t) remember

Posted 2 years, 2 months ago → Categories: family and friends

I don’t feel eloquent today. Today is not a day in which I think of big words as replacements for my feeling. Today is not a day where I talk like I have a dictionary and a thesaurus open in front of me. Today is a day in which I struggle to remember things about important people who did important things involving me, with me, around me, in front of me.

I was raised by old people. I was around them all the time. I was around the friends of the people who raised me. They were old as well. I was taught to read by an old nun. Now they are all leaving. They have all moved away, or died. This is the shitty part about having old people raise you. They die too soon. The good parts are having them bestow all the wisdom they have to you (which is usually a lot of wisdom). The good parts are them having been alive for so long, they know how to love two extra asian kiddies who run around being brats.

This time last year I felt the same way I do now. I missed my nan. The nan who raised me when mum and dad were too busy working. See, it’s been six years since she died. Or five. I can’t even remember anymore. I barely remember her anymore.

I remember her pricking her index finger to test her blood sugar level, and then recording it.

I remember the pen she used to record it. I got that pen when she died.

I don’t remember how she came to be in the hospital.

I remember writing a song for her.

I don’t remember ever singing it for her.

I remember singing other songs and performing for her.

I don’t remember how I reacted when they told me she had died.

I remember bits of her funeral.

I remember a donation bowl for diabetes on a table outside of a church.

I remember the chair she used to sit in. That chair. All the time, right in front of the TV, close to the dining table.

I don’t remember why she couldn’t walk.

I feel frustrated that I can’t remember more than a few insignificant details about someone who spent years of her life looking after, and raising me. I feel ashamed. Someone so important to me has faded from my memories or is hiding in the recesses of my brain. Come out Rosaline. Come back.

If she won’t come back, then I need to find Pop. I need answers. I want him to tell me everything so I can remember again.

  1. # Alex, 2 years, 2 months ago.

    I don’t think it matters whether or not you remember every single detail about a person, or what that person has done, just as long as you realise and embrace the fact that that person has been important to you, and that you’ve been important to them. And you never really forget that, anyway.

  2. # Jess, 2 years, 2 months ago.

    It is very pity to lose somebody you loved. People come to this world and go away. Nobody knows that brings us tomorrow. Every day is counted. We just haven’t to forget about it.

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